Welcome
But seek ye first the kingdom of God,and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
Matthew 6:33
especially for my ♥loves :)
♥ Thursday, January 18, 2007
4:28 AM
My husband is a scientist by profession, I love him for his steady-being nature, and I love the warm feeling while leaning against his broad shoulder.Three years in the courtship and now, two years into marriage, I have to admit, I am getting tired of it, the reasons of me loving him before has now transform into the cause of all the restlessness. I am a sentimental woman and extremely sensitive and exquisite when it comes to relationship and feelings, I yearn for romantic moments, as though a little boy yearning for candy. And my husband, is just a contrast of me, his lack of sensitivity, and of all, inability of bringing romantic moments into our marriage has disheartened me about love.
One day, I finally decided to tell him my decision, that I want a divorce.
"Why?" he asked, shocked.
"I am tired, there aren't reasons for everything in the world!" I answered.
He kept silent the whole night, seems to be in deep thought the whole night with cigarette lit all the time. My feeling of disappointment was getting intense, a man who can't even express his feelings, what else can I hope from him? And finally he asked:
"What can I do to change your mind?"
Somebody said it right, it's hard to change a person's personality, and I guess, I have started losing faith in him. Looking deep into his eyes I slowly answered:
"Here is a question, if you can find the answer in my heart, I will change my mind, Lets say, I love a flower at a mountain cliff, and we both know that making you pick the flower will kill you, will you do it for me?"
He said: "I will answer you tomorrow...."
My heart just sank listening to his respond. The next morning, he was not around, and I saw a piece of paper with his scratchy writing, underneath a glass of warm milk, it goes...
Dear, "I would not pick that flower for you, but please allow me to further explain the reasons" This first lines has already break my heart. But I continue reading.
"You can only type with a computer and always mess up the programs in the PC, and cries in front of the screen. I have to save my fingers so that I can help restore the programs.
You always leave the house key behind, I have to save my legs to rush home to open the door for you.
You love traveling but always lose your way in a new city, I have to save my eyes to lead you the way.
You always suffer from cramp during your menstrual period each month, I have to save my palm so that I can calm the cramps at your tummy.
You like to stay indoors, and I worry that you will be infected by infantile autism. I have to save my mouth to tell you jokes and stories to cure your boredom.
You always stare at the computer, and that is no good to your eyes, I have to save my eyes so that when we grow older, I can help to clip your nails,and help to remove those annoying white hairs. I will hold your hand, stroll down the beach, enjoying the sunshine and the beautiful sand... tell you the colour of flowers, just like the glow on your young face...
Thus, my dear, before I am sure that there is someone who loves you more than I do... I would not pick the flower, and die..."
My tears drops on the letter, and blurred the ink of his hand writing... and I resumed my reading...
"And now, dear... you have finished reading my answer, and if you are satisfied with these answers, please open the door of our house, I am standing there, with your favorite bread and fresh milk..."
I rushed to pull open the door, and saw his anxious face, with his hand holding tight to the glass of milk and the piece of bread... Oh, I am sure no one ever love me as much, and now I have decided to leave the flower alone... That's life, or some said, love, when one is surrounded by love, the feeling of excitement fades away, and one tend to ignore the true love that lies in between the peace and dullness. Love shows in every form, even a very little form, it can never been modelled, it can be the most incurious form... Flowers, romantic moments are only buckish forms on the surface of the relationship.
Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity. No one will find their life worth living, we have to make it worth living ourself. What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us.
***
that was an email sent to me frm candy. its really touching and effective in getting its point across. no guy is worth a girl's tears. cuz if he's worth her love he wouldn't make her tears drop in the first place. however, e husband in e above story is worth all e tears. he treasures what he has and he does show it in his actions. no regrets.
the past few days happened too quickly for me to even feel it. learnt something really important. love kills. esp for girls. even the strongest girl falls into this whole damn bloody trap called - love. they may appear to be e strongest, e fiercest, e loudest, e one that you never thought of protecting. when it comes to the one they love, they fall. badly. injuring themselves without knowing or realising. it hurts the ppl arnd them seeing them fall yet cant prevent it. they delude themselves, live in denial and yet again hope to know the truth. as always, the truth always hurts. guys are heartless creatures. they simply suck. im not generalising but i've just seen too many to even list out any gd guys other den my father and grandpa and my uncles and cousins and some male frens(which can be counted using 5fingers.HAH). guys always take e easiest way out for themselves. to reduce their guilt. to shift e blame to girls who love em so much to be more den willing to accept the blame so long as they return to em. WHAT's the damn world turning into? immoralities proliferating right before my eyes. i've no more eyes to see. disgusting.
guys are real good in inflicting hurt and pain to girls. they just do it with a snap of their fingers. like as though its something great and honourable. they don't feel guilty or bad. i seriously doubt if they still have such a thing called - conscience. in chinese, it got eaten up by a dog. if its someone you really care, you wouldnt even want to hurt her. you can say by not telling her the truth is the best way to solve a problem because she wouldn't be hurt. kiss my ass. by keeping things frm her is worse. much worse. why cant guys just be decisive and stop inflicting more pain and hurt to girls. why are they such big bloody assholes? tell me why.
by giving your most truthful opinions which may seem to be negative feedback will just show that you don't show support to someone you care for? its totally hurting. it sucks even more than failing a levels or olevels or a module in uni. its precisely the point you care for him that's why you tell him e possible negative sides of his actions. if you don't care, you wouldnt even bother at all. just sit there and laugh at him when he fails. right? can't guys see this damn point?! are they BLIND or just simply STUPID?! sorry if i'm offending like half the population on this damned earth. i'm just too jaded and sianed. it really sucks. even if he goes ahead with his BEST idea despite all your advices, you still support him and wish e best for him. but does he realise? NO. he doesn't. he just simply thinks you change. you don't support. you don't care. and e stupid list goes on and on. and all you can say for yourself is you just simply care too much to a point that you don't know how else to show that you care.
putting in too much effort is the most dangerous thing. e one putting in most will end up getting hurt most. seriously its just what the hell. you put in, you can't pull out. it really hurts to pull out. its a damned feeling. damn the guys on earth. damn all of them. they should just die. all die. castrated and die. i'm becoming real cynical. totally. things just unfold themselves right before me that i cant just simply not care. no way. i feel happier. i'm finally back to my old self. e one who sticks to her principles and stand up for the unjustified. e one who doesn't care about what others think. perhaps to some ppl, they can't accept that. they think its cruel, its evil, its mean and e list goes on. yes. i do admit that i'm mean. i'm evil. i'm cruel. i'm harsh and e list goes on. but this is e only way to protect myself and those i care for. its just a built-in self-defence mechanism that kicks start when ppl starts hurting me or the ppl arnd me. i've lost it after coming to uni. i'm glad i found it back in me. even though i may be labelled as some TMD SHIT ASSHOLE BITCH or FIERCE BITCH or WHATEVER BITCH, i noe i've protected e ppl i care for and that's what that matters.
i'm true to myself to the rest of the world. i'm not a hypocrite. i'll not say one and do another. words are cheap like what i always say. promises are bullshit. there's no such thing as frens forever too. in some cases it does come true of cuz. i'm not a politically-correct person neither am i a fako freak. i'm just frank. straightforward and simply blunt. nobody is as simple as they seem. everyone has a side they do not wish to show others. true enough. who likes to show their lousy side to people? unless the person is close enuf. however, many times guys just simply disregard those who've been thru all with them. be it lousy or good times. they just harp on the bad times. they nv rem the good times. ppl change. but don't say others change when you've yet to realise you urself haf changed. dun use such reasons to cover asses. it just sucks. don't say you're tired. tired is really just one of e lousiest reasons. who isn't tired? tell me. WHO? everyone will be tired at some point of time. but do girls give up? no they don't. they still try. they just keep on trying no matter what. even if theres a tinge of doubt, they will psycho themselves till they trust e guys. in d end what do they get? HURT HURT and MORE HURT. screw those shit ass guys. to hell with them. slap their faces and rip off their balls. sorry if i'm damn crude i'm just simply irritated. ROARS.
perhaps i should just cool it but i can't. hahahaha. too disgusted by what's going on and what i've seen for the past few days. RARRRRRRRRRR! ironically, the one who hurts you most is the one you will want to seek comfort most. hahahaahaha! if i say guys are stupid, girls are stupider! ahha we know we're stupid but we still allow ourselves to continue on being stupid. we cant stop ourselves from being stupid despite knowing. its just boils down to the fact - who can let go faster?
its sad. thinking of such sad issues makes me feel for the victims. e pain. e hurt. its worse than any lousy feeling ever on earth. people just don't treasure what they had until they lose them. its difficult to maintain any kind of r/s. it simply hinges on one thing called - communication.
if one party doesn't want to communicate, it just wouldn't work out. so people, COMMUNICATE. and perhaps e world will be a better place at the end of e day.
i really wish too. to all my FEMALE frens out there, when its time to let go, just do it. it may seem like you've lost everything but you'll soon realise you gained more than you lost. it sure does sound cliche but its the truth. its tough but just stay strong. nobody can help you other than yourselves. its born in us that we'll face difficulties more strongly. we don't run away from problems. we face them. we don't take the easy way out. we solve them. we don't escape. we walk right up to them. we don't simply bow down to fate. no way. and to all my MALE frens out there, treasure the girls. love them with all your hearts and remember that all girls only want something simple and easy - just be there for them.
i've said my piece. i feel much better letting it out despite seeing it from an outsider's perspective. hahaha i think im becoming mad with each day passing by! HAHAHAHAHA~ oh wells. my life. i choose my frens.
♥ Sunday, January 14, 2007
11:40 PM
*~Happie 25th Birthday Yimei Jiejie~*
*~Happie 21st Birthday Amelia~*
God's words struck a chord within my heart.
im glad i haf God right beside me all e time and of cuz the many sweet angels He placed in my life.
today's daily bread:
bible verse:
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and earn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." - Matthew 11:28-30
Meditation:
When we put our problems in God's hands, He puts His peace in our hearts.
i feel at peace. finally.
God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way
He will make a way
By a roadway in the wilderness
He'll lead me
And rivers in the desert will I see
Heaven and earth will fade
But His word will still remain
He will do something new today.
yes. God will make a way where it seems to be no way.
heal my broken soul.
fill my empty hearts.
hope. faith. love.
Jehovah Jireh.
and I found strength to move on in life.
♥ Thursday, January 11, 2007
1:28 AM
time is cruel. it doesnt wait for ppl. it doesnt allow ppl to slow down. it just dilutes everything. to a point whereby you grow numb to things that once mattered. it just makes everything different. it just makes you withered and torn. it just forces you to snap out. it just pushes you forward so quickly that you cant even catch your breath. it just makes you immune to your surroundings.1.5yrs wasnt exactly short nor long. it was just sufficient for me to feel that you mattered to me and vice versa but now i know i don't matter anymore. even if we were to be friends again, it wouldn't be the same. i'd rather it be nothing than something different to replace what it was. i told you i give up it was to make me move on. it did help. somewhat i suppose. a little i guess. avoiding won't help in e long run. when it no longer matters, i'll not avoid. of cuz i wish things will go back to the same but i noe it wouldnt. its impossible for you. no matter how many times i tell myself or others i'm fine i know deep down inside i'm still feeling e same as i was 1mth back. if only theres a button that can reset or erase memories. if only i can choose what i want to remember. maybe then i'll be happier.
♥ Tuesday, January 09, 2007
3:01 AM
im finally done with emailing, setting deadlines etc etc for erc. i feel happy now. i can slp properly. im finally in control of my life. meeting up w ppl i want to meet up w. well those i haven met in long long time la in fact. yeah and oso reading up notes in time b4 lectures. hah. yeah i feel gd.i went out w bingjia and felix for lunch tdy at clementi. hahaha had a delicious brunch la. haha =) e company was great! yay! and we r going KL in e nxt hol! i cant wait. guess they are my only gd buddies in chem eng other den the shearites and karen. haahha :D and aft tt went to town w felix we watched a R21 show - Borat. hahahaha! i actually got in without being chekced. they checked felix instead and i tink dey assumed im same age as him. hohoho! or mayb i just looked old. SHIT. hahaha anw e show was gd. funny in e warped way and cute in e sadistical way. i enjoyed it. laffed and had fun =) aft which we went to bugis to repair his phone which he didnt in d end and saw yiyang and shirleen! hahaha.. yeah aftwhich we had an early dinner at sakae. hahaha and back to hall to mug a little and print lots of notes and settle erc things.
tmr will b another "lydia's day". meeting shiang and lingyu. WHEEEEEEEEEE* happy happy =)
it was familiarly strange. i cant seem to put my feelings and thought to words. time heals. it will.
♥ Saturday, January 06, 2007
2:56 PM
i met up with some s09 ppl last night. it was great fun =) hee! yup so there was ME, XY, WEILI, AMANDA, VIN, YZ and JY! hahaha and i got to see ahlam along e way! hahahha! yeahh =) talked a little to him and we'll meet up soon my dear xiaodi! miss u so muchhhhies! ahaha.. yeahh so i met xy first den we slowly made our way to dhoby ghaut to meet up w e rest. yeah and so i decided to scare junyuan by pouncing on him but damn it. he found out and turned arnd seconds b4 i cud do my power leap. ARHHHHHHh. junyuannnnnnn! nxt time dun spoil e fun. act dumb as tho u din realise i was creeping behind. hahaha :P and den came vincent and yaozong. wah. super duper long nv c em le. at least for vin and jy i saw them at comms parade in err.. 2005? hahaha :P yup. missed jy's comms parade last yr but u noe my spirit is always with youuuu!! hee:) and yah so e last time i saw yaozong was like.. err.. results release day in 2005!? hahaha but yah miraculously and w great thanks to technology we still kp vmuch in contact. =) hahaha weirdly out of the 3 guys e one i met least is yz but yet contact most is yz. so erzi, u shld b honoured. jy super busy officer. hahaha dun care me le. boooo. vin worse. dunno disappear till whr! hahaha but glad tt dey all still e same. STILL AS UNGentlemanly. still as indecisive. still as gd in making us girls wait wait wait. -_-" hahahaha but yeah miss all the stupid things. hahaha and den i got to see amanda aft dunno how longggggg. busy woman in ntu. hahaha and weili! who i see all e time if i go lectures. :P hahahaha and of cuz xiangxiaojieeeee! wheeeeeee* and so we talked lots of rubbish. everyone hasnt changed. hahaha its nice catching up w old frens. it dawned upon me that 4yrs ago arnd this period when i first met all of em and became frens. haha 5th yr of frenship and still counting. 3cheers =) hahaha nj days seems to haf flew by so quickly. din treasure it much when i was still there. now out of it le, missing it loads. ahhaha :) and aft dinner we went to this irish pub. we WALKed in the RAIN to reach tt place. hahaha how romantic? hahaha so just chilled out. everyone had a drink except yours truly since i still cant really drink. vin was saying dey going clubbg this wed. i oso wanna goooooooooo! but no girl going. sian. =( hahaha.. if not surely vfun de. arhhhhh. while they drank, we talked, gossiped, laffed at each other and simply enjoyed each others company =) e guys are looking fwd to uni life while e girls are simply jaded. hahaha. but its still sweet and heartwarming to see all of em doing so well in their own lives =) 2yrs since we graduated and no longer study as a class but its nice to still meet up and haf some fun. laffing at old jokes. taking old jokes out and change it to new ones. when ppl dun change, the memories stay. haha but when ppl change and everyone changes accordingly, the memories still stay. hmm perhaps im not making sense. but whatever it is, i really enjoyed myself alot alot alot. thanks erzi for organizing the gathering =) haha! it made me miss all my old frens more and more! hahaha..
me xiang and lam :) happie family!
n043! (without hongyi tho. haha tt pig dunno die until whr le)
amanda, vincent, weili and me!
xiangyun and me :)
cool pic of junyuan and AMANDA!! hahahaha :P
a pic of me and xy again! hahaha =) i love you dear sis! 
junyuan my beloved laoba and me! hahaha i forced him to bend down. hOHO :P
still got more pics in amanda's cam. these are taken using my phone. not bad right? hahaha :) just got an invitation to another 21st bday party. arh this is e yr man. suddenly i realise we've all grown up. old. hahaha just went to chix 21st on 2nd of jan. coming 14th will b ame's. arhhh. so fast so fast.
read this frm somewhr:
开心和快乐是不一样的。
开心是短暂的幸福而快乐是永久的幸福。
开心是虚无缥缈，快乐是踏踏实实。
开心是脸上的笑容，快乐是心中的笑容。
it makes sense. =)
♥ Friday, January 05, 2007
9:17 AM
i never knew what was being happy with simple moments until i lost you.tired le.
if only things did not change.
if only...
♥ Thursday, January 04, 2007
4:00 PM
slowly..everything fades away.